“I hated the way he spoke to me like a child, so I rebelled like a child.”
Photo by Mia Harvey on Unsplash
At 30, Perdita slept with someone else.
“I’d been in a serious relationship with Luke for five years; we were committed, this was what we both believed was love. But it’s what I now know to be claustrophobic, jealous love. I had few friends and did even fewer independent things outside of Luke’s highly-scheduled weekend plans. And weeknight activities? Not a thing.
“I thought this was a grown-up relationship, we had our own house and this was what it was like to adult. I’m ashamed to say I looked down at other people who didn’t have their shit together like we did. One day, can’t tell you when or why, our relationship moved away from an equal partnership to picking fault and getting seriously on each other’s nerves.”
The circular bickering Perdita describes as: “Tedious ‘whose responsibility was this’-es and pissy, martyred ‘I guess I’ll be picking that one up’-s. Not fun. But they also weren’t serious enough to want to quit; they just sort of pecked away at our happiness.
“We’d been running on fumes for 18 months before I even understood the petrol pump was too far behind us. And that’s when I was tempted.”
By fluke, Perdita got to know a man.
“Christ, I wasn’t attracted to him AT ALL. He wasn’t anyone I’d have pursued, I would never have thought that way. Maybe that was why it happened, though, because he pursued me.
“He made me laugh and forget about being an adult. I guess you could say he enabled my inner rebel. And from that came lust and this reckless desire to be hedonists.
“When we were alone, I took off my pecked-at shell and softened like butter.
“I can look back today, years later, and still remember what it felt like when he kissed me. God, he wanted me. There’s nothing like that feeling of someone truly wanting to please you. Believe me, it made me want to please him right back. He had the most amazing dick; I’m getting warm now just thinking about it. Each time we were together it was an hour’s stolen bliss and I’ve never felt more alive.”
Afterwards Perdita would shower and put on her clothes along with her shell and head home.
“I forgave myself by not thinking about the person I loved and looking upon it as an act of rebellion against the head of our house.
“But still I’d think ‘this has to be the last time’ – and yet I went back again and again. At first, I thought it was his dick: it was that good. But I remember looking at Luke’s dick and thinking ‘these are almost exactly the same. Why am I so happy with one and so deeply unhappy with the other?’ The change happened when I realised it wasn’t about his dick at all. It was the way he treated me.”
Perdita maintains she didn’t love the other man. She just loved the idea of him. But everything has a shelf life and Perdita remembers the moment she knew.
“I was lying underneath him. We were building up to climax and for the first time ever, I couldn’t do it. His dick was literally inside me – this was how I escaped the nagging voice inside my head – but she was too loud that day and said to me ‘how sad is this? You’re lying here instead of being fair to Luke and sorting your life out.’.
“Tears came into my eyes and I turned my head away. He knew. I kissed him goodbye: one gentle press on the side of his mouth and left. I went home and said ‘this is not enough for me’ – and that’s when the bickering stopped and the conversation started.”
Sheesh, is it hot in here? Wow, Perdita. You went there and I LOVE YOU for it.
It’s probably no coincidence that I called Perdita’s story Being alive. It’s one of my favourite songs from Company and this Cynthia Erivo recording is the greatest interpretation I’ve heard, give it a listen and see if you disagree with me.
These lines chime equally with what elicit love and a strong relationship can feel like, no?
Someone to need you too much.
Someone to know you too well.
Someone to pull you up short,
To put you through hell,
To give you support,
For being alive.
Make me alive.
Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
That’s a spicy one Elle x