“Women are friendship novices. It’s not so long since we were married at 18 and so we had to learn how to be girlfriends from Sex and the City.”
Bunny was in awe of a close friend, Sophie, whom she’d had since her early 20s.
“It was instant kinship. She was cooler than me, wore better clothes than me; if I had a thought, she’d be the one I phoned. She’d tell me her darkest private thoughts about everyone – things she’d never say to anyone else – I don’t think she wanted to disrupt the perfect-girl image.
“We moved in together, which made people think we were a couple in the closet … my dad even told me it’d be ok if I wanted to have a baby with her. We were closer than sisters. And I fully believed in that sisterhood ‘til I got left out in the cold.”
The dynamic worked well at first: Bunny, perpetually single, had all the time in the world for Sophie. But when their roles reversed and Sophie’s long-term boyfriend left her, things changed.
“She was adored by everyone, not just me. She’d built her life around it. The dark side of that is when she got dumped, she was shook. It changed her.”
Sophie grew up with occasional male violence and she moved out young. She was targeted by a man 15 years older than her and Bunny thinks that gave her a twisted view that men lie and cheat – and women are complicit.
“She’d grown up around bullies and bitches and I get the feeling there was a lot of manipulation going on we didn’t see; she became a victim to all the misinformation about women that she needed to compete: I remember she’d rank us all by looks!
“I’d been single for a long time and so it was a big deal when I met someone I really liked. But when we got serious, my friendship with Soph ended: it’s just that neither of us realised.
“She’d make snidey comments; or come into the living room in front of him, goddess-like, wrapped in a tiny towel covered in water droplets: she’d never do that if it was just me and her there. I couldn’t help feeling that, because I’d finally met someone and she was alone, she was unhappy about it.”
After a year’s bliss, Bunny and her partner started trying for a baby and she well-remembers their conversation at the time: “I said to him, ‘I know this sounds insane, but I think Soph might try and copy me, so can we keep it quiet?’. He immediately said, ‘I think so too’; isn’t it weird he picked up on it?
“Of course, she spotted the pregnancy vitamins in my handbag. As soon as I told her, the ostentatious excitement was almost too much, it made me a little uncomfortable.
“She kept calling me ‘mama bear’ in front of other people; I wasn’t even caught yet.
“Then six weeks later, she told everyone antibiotics had interfered with her pill and she was pregnant. So now if I got pregnant, I’d look like I’d copied her. Looking back, it’s so stupid that I cared about this but I’d spent my life in her shadow; now I was having fertility problems and she was magically pregnant.
“Something totally snapped in me, which I take full responsibility for. I can’t explain why it tipped me over the edge. The level of hurt was like she cheated on me. I couldn’t look at her, I didn’t want to speak to her about it because I was worried about losing my cool and she could miscarry with the stress.
“I moved out of the house we shared, quit my job and lost my entire friendship group in six months because of it. Everyone thought I was jealous of her pregnancy – they never considered that her pregnancy could have been borne out of jealousy for me.
“It was the worst break-up I’d ever had.
“I had nasty messages and Facebook blockings. She remained ‘friends’ with me and so then I’d see these ridiculous memes people would tag her in about keeping your enemies closer than your friends; these people thinking they were doing God’s work. I knew I was never going to tell any of them the truth; I could never betray her because I adored her. But the entire episode sparked a mental health lapse that I’ve never quite recovered from. I’m riddled with anxiety – I wish they knew what they’d done.
“I let her have the job and the friends … and the last word, too. But there are two sides to every coin and many shades of grey.”
Interesting take, Bella and it’s awesome you don’t feel any fear from being alone.
I definitely know a few people who follow the path of least resistance and are perfectly happy with that. Me personally, I’m choosy about friendships, always have been and I’m fine with my own company. I take a while to trust and it’s intrinsic to any of my relationships for that reason. But it also means I’m incredibly loyal, once we’ve connected. I’d love to hear Bunny’s take on this as it’s a great question.
In my experience people always take the path of least resistance; believe what is most convenient for them to believe and "take sides" with whoever works best for them and disrupts their life the least. And that leaves the other person feeling lost and
This happened to me, both with partners and friends, and I found I surrounded myself with too many people to make up for the loss I felt. I made unsuitable friends and went out of my way to keep them happy and make sure they liked me. I wonder if you did the same or if you shied away from friendships out of fear?
I don't do that now, as I am not scared of being alone anymore.