“I’m fine. I mean, here’s a list of reasons why I’m not but, honestly, I’m fine.”
Listen to Hollow Talk by Choir of Young Believers while you read, do. It’ll blow your socks off.
“My job is no challenge. I used to have all these big ideas but I quickly found out that daring to think differently was never appreciated. So I stopped. I sleepwalk through the days and the only thing that gives me a mini work-erection is a deadline.”
Joe is feeling alone.
“Travelling was my gift to myself – an investment in opening my mind to all the richness and beauty the world has to offer. And a well-deserved break from a few intense years at work where I wasted a lot of energy.
“But with the lockdown hitting only weeks after I came back, I was robbed of the chance of catching up with friends and sharing my stories properly. So many people moved into the sticks and now I feel like the odd one out in the city. I’ve spent a little time trying to build new connections, but Covid heightened or killed most of them.”
Joe found himself in a brief relationship in lockdown that compressed quickly into something way more intense than he wanted.
“We were talking way too much, almost like teenagers. It got to the point where, if I was on a deadline, I’d have to turn my phone off to meet it. I realised it was way too intense and ended it.
“It’s helped me understand why people made lightning decisions about their lives when they found that connection.
“We’re just beginning to see how these relationships forged in intensity are playing out: there’ve been so many weddings, but I’ve also seen so many people newly single.”
Even in modern times where there’s a feeling that people are so much more liberal, society’s expectations of this generation are full-on.
“I’m in my mid-thirties and it’s the time where people expect you to be settling down properly: when you don’t fit that norm, there’s such a mixed bag of reactions. Some people genuinely don’t know what to say to me about it. It’s made me reflect on my life and what I want.
“When I was travelling, I thought, if it doesn’t happen, I’m ok with that. It used to bum me out if I was eating an amazing meal alone and I’d think about the person I’d like to share that with, but eventually travelling gave me the peace of mind to enjoy experiencing life for myself.”
And yet, Joe says he’s changed since then: “It may just be a post-lockdown thing; like lots of people, the last two years have disappeared and that’s really contributing to the way I feel now.
“A lot has happened and yet nothing’s happened.”
The inertia has set in. So what does Joe want?
“I want to find someone to connect with but I’m so wary. I’ve been burned in the past and honestly, I don’t want to rush.
“When I meet someone, I give a lot of myself. So when that spark doesn’t happen, I can feel hollow for a while afterwards. I’m starting to wonder how much longer I can keep this up for.”
Listening to that song while reading that post was like that moment in a film where the soundtrack and the action are on point. I want more songs to read to.
Steadily consistent; I like my little rut and I’m afraid of big emotions.
I think (think because it was many years ago and my mind may be playing tricks on me) that I let an epic encounter slip through my fingers because I was purposefully in denial.
It was two decades ago and yet one night, at the height of the pandemic, I woke up full of regret and trying to find a way to do over what I’d done wrong.
This may be a mid-life thing. It may be the fault of Covid. It was utterly unsettling. (Don’t tell my husband!)